Just to start

So much going through my head. My kids. My husband. My life. The ability to write what I want, with no one seeing and the possibility of several seeing it. I don’t care. Things I can not write directly on FB for all to see. Anonymous if full view. Oxymoron. Yes. I am one. 

I work at an animal hospital. I have four children. I have a husband whom I want to divorce. I have wonderful friends. I, deep down, I am torn between loving my life and wondering if this life would surely be missed if it was no longer.

I strive for being a good person. Yet, I know that I am probably not. I have no tolerance for mean people. Ones with no patience. And, yet, I realize, I could very well be the same person I don’t like.

I love my foster kittens. I love my four cats. One having a particular special place as he came with me from California to Massachusetts with my husband and I. Knowing he is only a cat, I still say...he saw what it was like. He knows what I went through. He...understands. My husband would torment the cats. Trying to get them to stay under the covers. To sleep with him. They hated it! They wanted to be away from him. When I left...Stinky (yes,Stinky) would climb under the covers and spoon with me. He now takes up at least half of the bed. And I let him. He is always there. By my side. He does not abuse me. He does not make me feel less than the person I am. All he wants is for me to snuggle up to him at night and put my arm around him. And maybe, he does that for only my sake. I do not know.

My children. 20, 18, 16 and 14. I have not lived with them since the youngest was four. At that time, they went to live in Okinawa, Japan. That could be another story. Yes, most surely. I, in my own little mind, think I have a wonderful relationship with them. Telling me things before they tell their dad. Engagements.  Marriages. Sex changes. I am there. I am supportive. Not because I want to be the cool parent. Because I really do understand.

Oh. Then there is the imaginary boyfriend. Too afraid to really declare him as real. And, if I did, afraid that he really is not. I have known him for three years. I met him on an online dating service and it is mostly sex. But, it is probably the most successful relationship I have ever had .